The Daily Bubble

Put down your copy of YM. Today you will leave your spiritual wasteland and peer into the realm of the moral majority. Let me introduce Brio, a magazine that "[f]or more than 13 years ... has been teaching, entertaining and challenging teen girls toward a healthy self-concept and closer relationship with Jesus Christ." If you don't have time to explore, I've taken their "Guy Talk" section and translated it into actionable lessons. Ladies, now you can learn what "healthy self-concept" really means.

What’s the most annoying thing a girl could do to try and get your attention? It’s annoying when she isn’t herself. I’ve experienced when a girl is one way with a group — joking around and more outgoing. And then when she’s one-on-one, she is a completely different person — quiet, serious, deep. Be who God created you to be instead of trying to be a certain way just to impress a guy. -Steven Correll, 18

Lesson: God doesn't have a sense of humor (when it comes to women) and neither should you. This may seem startling, but contemporary research backs it up. A recent study suggests that women who laugh are completely unattractive as mates: "Many men feel threatened, perceiving a funny woman as a rival or worrying that they'll become a target of her sharp tongue. 'I think every man in the world loves the humor, even the sexual put-down humor, of Judy Tenuta or Joan Rivers,' [Professor Don Nilsen] says. 'But very few men want to marry them.'"

Remember, you are there to please your man. Don't let your self-importance get in the way. You don't want to be the next Joan RIvers.

What keeps guys from making the first move? We fear rejection — if she says no. I make the first move if I believe God is moving me toward a relationship with a specific girl. —Kyle Young, 18

Lesson: Don't say no to a man moved by God.

What keeps guys from making the first move? We don’t want to embarrass ourselves in front of a girl when she says no. What primarily keeps us from making the first move is probably the fact that she’s constantly surrounded by a group of her friends. It’s really hard to approach a girl when there are six or seven other girls around her. If you get rejected you feel silly in front of an entire group of girls. —David Breault, 16

Lesson: This one is more complicated. I believe that David is implying that women should avoid hanging out with groups of other girls. However, Christian parents do not want their daughter alone with a guy so that seems untenable as well. My guess is that David is going about this the wrong way. He should be approaching the girls parents for a courtship. Women can go and hang out with their friends and wait for their parents to notify them of an accepted courtship. Problem solved!

What do guys wish girls understood about them? We wish girls would understand that the first thing a guy notices about them isn’t necessarily physical. I met the girl I’m currently dating at a football game where it was completely dark. We started talking, and I hardly even knew what she looked like. I felt affection for her based on our conversation. What she had to say was more important than what she looked like. —Sam Fuqua, 16

Lesson: Guy's don't "necessarily" notice physical things first. If you're ugly, try to spend most of the time in places where guys can barely see you. Then at least you'll have a fighting chance. Or try to talk your parents into an arranged marriage.

Do guys like it when girls wear a lot of makeup? We don’t because girls need to understand that they’re beautiful the way God made them. If they think that isn’t good enough then putting on a lot of makeup is a big sign that says, “I’m insecure.” That is something guys want to stay away from. —Joe Peterson, 15

Lesson: If you're naturally unattractive in a deeply Christian crowd, head to the nearest dark place.

Now that you have a better idea how to act, let's work on your dress. You don't have to dress like a ho to be fashionable.

Hat tip to Amanda Marcotte at Pandagon for the laughing research tip and Matthew Yglesias for the Brio link.

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I think you're missing the lesson of the football game anecdote. Surely if our young soldier for Christ can meet and fall in biblical love with a girl at a football game when it is dark and he can't really see her, surely this darkness could be carried through the daytime by using large sacks or burqua-style dresses for the women. Of course, we would have to get rid of all that Arab stuff associated with the burqua. So come on girls, can't some of our home ec students design a more down-home style pattern--fruit bowl prints, frills, decorative lace?

That is an excellent idea! But why recreate the wheel? Something like this would do nicely:

UPDATE: the image isn't displaying so I added it to the post (it's at the end of page 2).

i can see why some people would find this funny, and i find some bits funny, the arranged marriage bit for example, but i think u wanna be careful when making comedy out of a faith, as some people could find it deeply offensive.

i relize that theres a lot of good advice in here but when u said on page one that if youre ugly to go hide in the dark i was very offended.im not ugly but there are some ppl out there who by the worlds standards are really ugly.so telling them to go hide in the dark so they might have a chance seems very rude to me.